Holding Back
It is a subject I feel very passionate about, so I have sort of avoiding it up until now, since it is not very “today” thinking, but after reading this post from Cynical Dad, rather than just posting a comment, I decided to lay it out there, to allow some more discussion.
So what am I talking about, you are probably wondering by now, and rather than keep you in suspense any longer, it is about this seemingly new trend of holding children back when starting school. Now under certain circumstances, there may be valid reasons to do so, but I think it is being done far too often these days, and not at all for the right reasons.
Take the case of Cynical Dad, his daughter’s Pre-K teachers admits that his daughter is smart, but still suggests that he delay her entering Kindergarten because “she’d rather socialize than do her work,” and “She worries about what everyone else is doing instead of concentrating on the work at hand.” There are two glaring things that having gone through this recently enough both with my neice and then my daughter in sucessive years, I noted.
First there is no consideration taken for the fact that despite what they may be trying to prepare them for, unless this is a classroom setting, the kids still have more of an expectation of play-time at most Pre-K programs, especially ones that have kids from the time when they are toddler’s (or infants) up through Pre-K. They don’t view it as “school” and hence they do not treat it as such.
Second, when they reach this level, if you think about it, it is much like being a high school senior (on a much smaller scale of course). They are ready to move on. They have outgrown the atmosphere and hence are just going through the motions as they await the time when they “graduate” (don’t get me started on that whole new tradition). As such, they no longer feel challenged by what is being presented and they are looking ahead to the day they are “free” from that place. In that case, they are not going to excel more by making them go through it again, they are just going to be bored longer.
Third, who is going to dispute with me that girls are naturally social creatures. (Sure it applies to boys, but especially at this age, girls seem more likely to build social groups at this age. At least that is what I have seen.
Now, I have in the past when taking on this subject usually blamed the parent. But that was because my experience has been with parents that choose to hold their kids back in an effort to make them the “smartest and brightest” in the class by them being older and more mature than their classmates. This is the one that really gets my goat and makes me want to slap these parents in the back of the head. Because in this case it is not about the kid, it is about them. It is about bragging rights, and about how their child reflects on them. All the wrong reasons to hold the child back.
However, there is I have come to see more often now, the parents that are more struck with fear by the misguided recommendations of the teachers and others that really should be able to provide proper guidance. Here is where somebody like Cynical Dad sits. All he wants to do is what is best for his daughter. An admirable goal. But now he is forced into a decision by a teacher that wants to hold his daughter back from Kindergarten for what I believe is all the wrong reasons. Of course as a parent, you get torn in this situation. Because even if you believe as I do that the reasons are all wrong, you are still forced to sit there and contemplate it. What if they are right? Am I making the right decision?
It is an unfair situation to be put in. But one that seems far too common these days. We have spent more and more time making school teach these kids more and more, and expect more of them earlier (I certainly know the work my daughter is doing in 1st grade was nowhere near 1st grade work when I was a kid. [shut up]). But at the same time it seems like we are so ready to stall them starting. But why? Because we want them to reflect well on us? Because the teachers want it easier? Unless it is because of the child’s needs, it is not the right reason.
Where do you stand? Would you (or did you) hold your child back? Why? Why wouldn’t you?
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9 Responses to “Holding Back”
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Fair enough. There lots of wrong reasons to hold a child back. But what about the right reasons to hold back a child? When they are really to young or immature to go to kindergarten? I have seen it happen with my friends daughter. Teacher recommended strongly for the girl to be held back, but her mother thought her daughter would just fine and ignored this advise. The poor girl lost all her friends, she was friends with the younger ones. And more important, she struggled for years until in 4th grade she failed so bad and was put back to 3rd grade. By then she had learning difficulties and her self-esteem was gone.
Some children start later. That doesn’t mean they will achieve less. Some children need to play a little longer. There is no real good reason to deny them extra play time.
I agree with Karin. I see nothing wrong with holding kids back for good reasons. Problem is most people today do it for the wrong reasons. The primary reason to hold kids back today is so that they will do better in school. I find this to be wrong to focus on this so early. kids need to have fun and learn through playing for a long time. There will be plenty of time to study and do homework later on.
I have seen no evidence that holding them back works better. Instead it seems that parents go crazy about their kids learning and studying at too early age. I’ve written about too much homework at an early age before and todays parents don’t seem to learn from mistakes.
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Very well put! I agree with you on all points that kids are being held back for the wrong reasons. If the child is smart and doing his/her work then there is absolutely no reason for the child to be held back. I started school when I was 4 and most of my peers were 5 going on 6 and I turned out ok.
My biggest problem with the whole debate comes from the teachers. Parents are made to feel that they will be destroying their child’s entire future by making the wrong decision.
That being said, I think sometimes we are in a rush to get these kids into K earlier than they should be. It is a little humbling to realize that your child isn’t ready for kindergarten at age 5, and some parents don’t want to admit it.
I’m not saying one is always better than the other. Every parent wants what is best for their children, and I don’t pretend to know what that is for your kids. I barely know what that is for mine. The unfortunate thing is that they expect us to make this decision in Feburary.
I posted a comment on cynicaldad a while back. My middle child turned 5 in Sept, which was after the cutoff for Kindergarten, however they will allow children born in that month to test into kindergarten. She was required to know what they were going to teach her in kindergarten. I was made to feel like one of “those” overachieving parents pushing her kid too soon. She’s in 3rd grade this year, and when I told her teacher that we had to have her tested to get in, she had a look of horror at the thought of her being in 2nd grade this year. She has a hard enough time keeping her from being bored as it is. And when she is bored, she wants to socialize. I’m not telling this story to brag or suggest that every person should start their child at 4 or early 5 or anything like that. My point is that we are their parents, and generally speaking, we know our kid(s) better than anyone else does.
We held our son back for the simple reason that all of his friends that he’d made the year of his preschool were staying for another year. The only ones going on were a group of girls. Since his birthday is middle of Dec it was an easy choice for us. Every kid is different. There is no right or wrong decision. You have to go with what you think is best for the child. My daughter is in grade seven, has a birthdate of Dec. 30th, started kindergarten right away, and is having problems now. I don’t think she is mature enough for high school. I think there is a good chance of her falling into the wrong crowd because she hasn’t got a lot of confidence and I wish she had another her in a safer environment. Maybe if we kept her back there would be a difference, maybe not. I know it’s a lot easier for a kid to skip a grade if needed than to hold them back, especially a grade seven girl who wants to get into the big school wether she’s ready or not.
I hope this is a decision I don’t have to face, because it becomes even more complicated for me, having twins. If one of my children were struggling so much that holding them back was a possibility, I would hesitate to do so, worrying that it would affect them emotionally and psychologically, being a year behind their twin. I think holding a child back should only be done when ALL other options have been exhausted, and having a child skip a grade should also be considered a last resort. School is as much about emotional and social development as it is a learning environment, and I think that social development could be seriously harmed by moving a child in either direction.
I’m in the dilemma and at lost at what the right thing to do for my daughter is– any comments or suggestions is appreciated.
My only daughter will be 5 in late July and meets the cut off for Kindergarten in Sept. She is a bright and very capable child academically and looks forward to school. She is the youngest and smallest kid in her pre-K class, extremely shy and gets teased by the other children as being the “baby.” She spends a lot of time near her teacher, goes to the teacher for everything, and does not stand up to the other kids. She still has a hard time saying goodbye to me in the morning and requests to be hand off to the teacher. To complicate the situation, my daughter has severe food allergies with life threatening reactions. She has been to 4 different childcare centers b/c of food safety issues.
Today she “graduated” from pre-K. Her teacher recommends that I hold her back a year so she can develop physically, socially and emotionally. Academically, she is well-prepared — writing, reading, doing math.
I’m torn at what to do — to hold her back, i have decided that i will enroll her at a different preschool as all but one of her classmates will have moved on — or push her into kindergarten and hope that she will “grow out” of her shyness/emotional immaturity and struggles to fit in physically/socially.
kim
I wish like you would not believe I had waited to put my daughter into kindergarten. All was fine till about 4th grade when it became very clear all the other kids in her grade were maturing and she was left behind. This made it difficult for her to be friends with kids in her class. So she started befriending the kinds of kids you don’t want your child with. It did get better in 5th grade when she started catching up. Now she’s in 9th grade and I feel like a horrible parent for not holding her back cause it is happening again only now it can truly affect her future.