“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

“I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”

“A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it”

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”

“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.”

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

“What was the best thing before sliced bread?”

“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”

“You know how you could feel extra special and young again?  A baby!  You and Mommy should have a baby sister for me.  That will make you feel young again.”

-Author Unknown (to me anyway)