I’m a parent too
Trade shows for the year are done, as are (hopefully) business trips. So other than a new podcast we (”we” being myself along with the unflappable BusyMom) are trying to launch (but more on that soon), life should allow me to get back to blogging on a regular basis again. I hope. I don’t know if it is because I haven’t had much opportunity to blog lately or not, but I have been storing up one rant or another, and it seems like all my topics are leaning this way. I hoped to start out a bit more mild mannered, but decided, if I did that I might not ever get back to it… so my apologies, but here we go with rant one in the series.Over at Career and Kids, there was an interesting little bit on Does Your Husband “Baby-Sit”? This is one of those things that is a sore subject for me… from a variety of angles. On one hand, sometimes I think this gets a bit overblown. Even in the comments, several women complained that men should not refer to it a “baby-sitting” when it comes to their own kids. Really more than anything, it is just a difference in choice of words. Blame it on sexist games or “being manly men” or whatever, I know dads that while every bit as happy to be with their kids as anybody else, but when they are talking to their “buddies” use phrases like “being stuck baby-sitting.” It has nothing to do with “expectations of their wife” or how they feel about their kids. Turn it around, and even if they would really prefer to be out shopping with their friends, but he is on a business trip, she would NEVER say she was “stuck baby-sitting” to her friends (even if this is how she felt), because of appearances. After all “what kind of mother would say that?”Yes, there are exceptions to all of these scenarios. There are fathers that treat their wives like they are slaves, and the kids are nothing but critters under foot that the wife is supposed to deal with, and keep in their place because he had a hard day at work. But they are exceptions, these are outdated 1950’s versions of cavemen (or Republicans). And these clods wouldn’t “baby-sit” anyway (at least not without a fight), so really the complaint is about bad wording. On the other side of this coin, do you ever wonder why some of these issues continue to come up? Look around, read some blogs and really pay attention to what is being said. Look at advertising, and even (I may have mentioned this once before), look at medias portrayals of men as parents. Take a look at any “parenting” magazine. Count how many ads you see that aren’t specifically targeted towards women (you won’t need more than one hand, and will probabaly have a finger or three to spare). The argument will most likely be, “but men don’t read these magazine.” And that is probably true, but why? The articles are writen to, for and about women. The ads are selling directly to (and exclusively to) women. So why would a man read it?Take in a sermon (or speech) from to biggest (or at least loudest) voices of the “moral majority” and you head how men are not men any more. How women are supposed to stay home to take care of the children. While they treat this more like the previously mentioned silly outdated theories of the men “make the money,” the other not talked about side of it, is that obviously these people don’t think (and in some cases they may be right) that these men are fully capable to be a full time parent. Read a few Mommy Blogs long enough and you will see how women are “amazed” at how well things went when she went on a trip, or how she doesn’t trust him to check their homework, or get them to soccer practice, and so on. They love their husbands (I presume), but yet they trust them with nothing, allow them to do nothing, in many cases don’t bother to tell them anything, but then don’t understand why he is disconnected with “everything going on.”My final (and admittedly a bit silly, but it is worth the point I hope to make) complaint is how father’s are portrayed in movies, media, etc. Funny, how so many women complain and hate “pricess” things because of all the supposed negative stereotypes (that is a whole other rant for another day), but let us look for a second at the dads. Cinderella’s father couldn’t raise his daughter alone, so he chose to marry (granted poorly) so that his daughter would have a proper mother. Staying in Cinderella you have the crazy king, insistent on getting his son married. ”Crazy Old” Maurice trying to raise Belle. Bambi basically learned it all on his own out in the wild because his mother died. While he eventually catches on, the humor in Mr. Mom is how inept Jack is at taking care of his kids when his wife goes off to work. Daddy Daycare also shows that men have “no clue” how hard it is to raise children.I am a parent too. I care just as much, and do just as much for my daughter as my wife. And do so happily. If you don’t like the wording on how I describe it, change the stereotypes. Don’t make me look either “whipped” or “freaky” for wanting to do so. But until that changes, don’t harp on me for how I choose to describe it either*.(*Disclaimer: I haven’t ever used the phrase “baby-sitting” to describe spending time with my daughter… but I am trying to make a point).
Teaching her too well?
I could have sworn, I had talked about this before, but for the life of me, cannot find it in my archives. Oh, well… to summarize quickly… One thing we did very early with LatteGirl is start her on an allowance.
Now, to cover a couple of issues, I always see when the issue of allowance comes up. We GIVE her an allowance. We do not tie it to chores. Why? Because simply put, we do not provide her an “option” of whether or not she does the chores we ask of her. There is no, conversation like, “well if you don’t clean up your room, your not going to get your allowance.” which eventually (at least once) leads to the reply of “fine, keep you money” No. This is not acceptable, and hence we don’t connect them in such a way.
Now for those that argue, “Why should I pay them for breathing?” I can give you some other ways to look at it. First of course you can look at it as paying on installment the eventual therapy bills they will have as adults, and just consider this sort of a payment plan or savings account towards that. More seriously though, stop looking as it as paying them. Think of it in how much it can possibly save you. You are going to spend money on your kids anyway. This allows an easy to understand cap on some types of spending, as well as provides a way to teach financial responsibility.
We give LatteGirl $1 per week for every year. On other words she is 7 now, so she gets $7 per week, but after the end of the month when she turns 8 she will get a “cost of living” increase. With that money we have set up 3 banks for her and (approximately) a third goes in each. So right now, $2.50 goes towards her college fund (and gets put into her 529 plan every other month), $2.50 goes into her “saving up” fund. These are for larger toy purchases she wishes to make outside of what she gets for her birthday or Xmas. The final $2.50 is for her “instant gratification” fund that she can spend (almost) any way she wants. She wants to buy gum, a candy bar or to get something from the Ice Cream Man rather than the ice cream in the freezer? It all comes out of her money. She learns to balance the “I want” against, “is it worth it?” Yes, she has made a mistake or two along the way (but who hasn’t… I still make them), but by and large, these lessons have really seemed to sunk in.
Which brings me back to why I started this post. Perhaps, she is learning a bit too quickly (for me anyway). I have gone out of my way to avoid certain toys. Some are hard and fast rules that we do not allow (i.e. Bratz) but others are things that I am just sort of trying to stall on. One of those items is a Nintendo DS Lite. She has enjoyed the LeapFrog Leapster, and I get the bonus of not only is it entertaining her, but she is also learning something while she is playing it.
However, lately I noticed she has been a bit more frugal than usual (her only real expense this year was that she finally decided to get her ears pierced… but that is another post), and saving some of her “now” money with her long term. Upon inquiry I was informed that since Santa didn’t come across with the DS, and she already knows she is not getting one for her birthday (her request was for another addition to her American Girl Doll collection), that she was now saving to get one herself. Between her allowance and a few dollars she got slipped to her from my mother (Aany money she gets in the manner gets split between her 529 Plan and her “long term” saving fund. Yes, we have this covered as well), but between her sources, she is already better than half way to her goal. And of course, she was quick to point out, that since it is her money, she is entitled to do with it as she pleases since it does not break the “Bratz Rule.”
I am going to have to add an ammendment to these rules and find a way to give myself more veto power. She is learning her way around these issues far quicker and easier than I ever imagined. I never thought I would regret teaching her money management, but while I am thrilled that she has taken to learning this so well, I can see this coming back to bite me.
I think I am
So worth it
Now, admittedly, I already like looking at “the stars” and there is no doubt that I would have taken the time to see the lunar eclipse last week. But since LatteGirl would already be asleep when the full eclipse took place, I promised to break out my new camera and take some photographs.
In all fairness, it is a promise I never should have made. While I like taking pictures, I am by no means a “photographer.” Add to that, I have had precious little time to learn and play with all the new capabilities that the new camera has, and it was a recipe for disaster. But this was of course, the last total lunar eclipse until 2010, so I figured I would give it a shot (so to speak).
Now the week before (actually only several days before) we had some unseasonably warm weather. But of course this particular evening was not so kind, and of course, I found myself out of firewood for the chimenea. So, I brewed a pot of coffee, bundled up, set up the tripod and had at it.
With no real “second chances” to do this again, I fired off about 100 shots, at various depths of field, and shutter speeds and ISOs until I found what I thought was the best balance. From there, I would take each picture from that level, and then again with both up and down two steps from there. (Thank goodness, an eclipse is not a fast moving event). In the end, I came up with about 20 shots that I am satisfied with (10 of which have already been uploaded into flickr, such as the one in the right hand corner). I was wishing at the time, that I had made a greater investment for a real SLR and lenses, but truth be told, until I master the basics a bit more, it probably would have been a waste. A camera is only as good as the person working it, and I still have some learning to do.
With about an 80% “failure” rate, I was seriously wondering why they hell I went through all of that. Until the next day. As I was sorting through the pictures, and using Gimp to clean them up a bit (BTW, image processing, another area I have a LOT to learn.) LatteGirl came over and spotted the pictures. She was thrilled. She loved them all (even the less that great shots), and spent the better part of 10 minutes hugging me and thanking me for all the “great” pictures of the eclipse. She even begged me to print out of couple so she could show them off at school. Suddenly, I forgot how cold it was standing out there for several hours, or how little sleep I wound up getting before heading off to work the next day, or how disappointed I was with having so few decent shots to show for the effort. Suddenly, it was all so worth it.
Un-Imbalanced
I usually laugh at parents that post about the mythical beast of “balance” between work and home. I do this usually because it seems like the search is for the one “right” answer, and anybody who has been playing this high wire act long enough knows… there is no one right answer, nor is it even really a constant. It changes as life changes.
I have basically considered myself pretty lucky. I have for the most part been able to find a situation that has worked well for me. Sure, I have passed over a few promotions and positions that would have paid more, but required extensive travel. But the reality is that I have had that luxury. I have still managed to make a good enough living, and still managed to be around for LatteGirl. Have a missed some things or am I around as much as I would like to be? Of course not, but I have found a place that works for me.
Well, I did. But now that is being challenged. I got an offer that is too good to refuse. There is some risk involved (minimal) but high reward potential. But it means longer hours, more travel, and a whole lot more stress. Oh sure I guess I could quit and look for something else, but there is no guarantee that this would provide me with any more flexibility. I can almost certainly make as much if not more money if I start to commute into Manhattan again. But, even when I was managing to find the time to be home, I was so wiped out, that I might as well not have been home at all.
So, what is my point? I guess a big mea culpa. That even if you accept that “balance” is whatever you can do, there are going to be times, that you will still feel off balance. That even if you know the beast if only a myth, you will still at times find yourself struggling to find him.
Ski-rrific
Nerves started to set in before we reached the mountain. Both for me and for LatteGirl. In the end she stood strong, got on the skis, went for it, and had a blast. The kids and the adult lessons were on separate areas, so I walked back and forth between the two of them, watching them progress through the lesson. However, I stopped checking on TheWife after a while, because every time I seemed to come back to LatteGirl, she was in the next stage of her lessons already. She blew threw her lessons so fast, she was out on the (bunny) slopes, while the other kids she was with in a group lesson were still 2 step back in the progression to the slopes.
Me on the other hand… well… I opted out. Not solely out of fear of another injury (but I will admit it was part… conditions, granular but icy, were just too similar for my comfort. I may have even had a flashback as I stood there looking up at the mountain.), but also so I could play a supporting role in ensuring that LatteGirl and TheWife’s first trip skiing 
was a pleasant experience. So, I played pack mule, and arranger, and of course photograher, so all they had to worry about was enjoying themselves. And they did.
I have to admit, by the end of the day, part of me (the part that was fearful earlier) was regretting not getting up the nerve to get back on those skis. The part of me that was exhausted just from trying to ensure everything went right with this excursion however, was glad that I didn’t try to do all of the little things that I had to do and try to ski on top of it.
So how much fun did the two of them have? Well, let me put it this way. Next Monday, while I am at work, and they are enjoying a day off (Martin Luther King Jr. Day) they are planning to hit the slopes again without me. I guess they don’t want me and my nerves dragging down their mood. But who knows, as enthusiatic as they are about it right now, they just might be able to get me back on the slopes yet.
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