Things have been a bit slow around here as you may have noticed. It has been a bit tough as I said good-bye to a second uncle in just over 2 weeks. It also gave me a lesson in introspection as well as contrast.
When uncle #1 (mom’s brother-in law for those keeping score) passed away, I was sad. He was a wonderful guy, a good father, friendly, happy go lucky, and all the good things you say about an all around nice guy that most people will miss.
When uncle #2 passed away, the only reason I was sad, was in taking the time to realize that he was the last of the siblings from my father’s side of the family. Now, don’t get me wrong. There are people that will miss him. I just won’t be among them. And it was this fact that gave me cause for my self analysis.
Until my grandmother passed away when I was almost 9 years old… I didn’t even know that uncle #2 existed. His wife did not like my mother for some reason, and she continuously found fault with my mom. She called her a gold-digger, this despite the fact that my mother worked as my father completed his college degree. She had issues that my mom and dad had to adopt (something I am of course quite appreciative of them doing), and because of this neither, she nor uncle #2 never did anything to recognize either me or my sister. Not once (even after she passed away), did we ever receive a birthday card, or Xmas card or anything else. We just didn’t exist.
After uncle #2′s wife passed away, my mother and father both buried the hatchet with him to some degree, they invited him over the house on holiday’s so he wouldn’t be alone (his kids has long since moved out west), and my mother forced me to invite him to my wedding (which, honestly at this point, I can’t even tell you if he came or not. Though I CAN tell you, if he did come… he didn’t give me a card! Yes, the card is a big issue with me).
I however never quite got over it. And that, to some degree I feel bad about. I guess I am not as big a person as I like to think I am, because even though I feel bad about not getting over it, I still don’t have any desire to so. And even though his passing marks the end of that part of the family tree, (since I apparently don’t according to him or his wife I don’t even belong looking at that family tree) will not shed a tear at his passing. I did what was “proper” and expected of me, out of respect for my mother, and the rest of the family. But, I just can’t bury the hatchet.
I sure thought that I had already commented on this post. Maybe not.
I’m sorry to hear about the passing of your uncles. Families can be so damn to understand much less attempt to figure out their idiocyncrisies(sp). I’ll never understand people who love by blood line alone. What ever happened to loving someone for who they are. It is their loss to not have come to know you for who you are and what you have to offer as an individual.
Some things are hard to forgive, it’s human nature and you shouldn’t feel badly about it. You did the respected thing and went, that speaks volumes about who you are as a person.
I know from experience that sometimes you can even “forget” and move on as if all is well but never actually “forgive”. I tell myself that it may come in time and then again…….it may not. You have your reasons for feeling the way that you and that’s okay. Some hatchets hurt so much that they never get buried and that’s okay too. You did the right thing out of respect for those you love and that’s what matters.
I hope all has calmed down for you since the writing of this post. Now get to posting more often!
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You don’t have to apologize for not feeling bad. I know exactly how you feel. I have plenty of family, including both Grandmothers whom I wouldn’t shed a tear for. Sad? Yes. Truthful? Yes. But, try if you can to let the hurt and pain go with them. I spent many years hating my abusive uncle and it took something from me. I never forgot, never forgave, but I moved past the hurt and learned to live better for me.
Thanks for your honesty in your post – its something you just don’t find too much of these days…
This has been a tough month for you, Jayman, but…in acknowledging your feelings…you are one step closer to letting them go. Keep swimming.