Just Because… OK?
I’ve been stewing on this one a while, and while I have made mention of it before, it was always just more of an afterthought; but after encountering it yet again this past weekend, I think I have finally had enough. By now I am sure most of you (well all three of you), are saying “get to the point” so I will. Why is it that “everybody” (especially it seems older people, and for some reason very religious people) seem to have this particularly invasive idea that they have the right (or almost responsibility) to inquire about your reproductive plans? Oh, and if that isn’t enough, then they are going to judge you on it based on what they have determined is the “right” thing.
When TheWife and I were first married, it was the constant (and somewhat typical) question of “when are you going to start a family?” The fact that we waited 6 years was almost unconscionable to some people and family members. I won’t even get into what my poor sister has to go through since she and her husband have opted to not have children. For these people, can I just point out that people actually get married for reasons other than to start pushing out children.
Of course, fortunately the reason that we did not have a child right away was because of choice. I know (both in real life, and many others that I have come to know through blogging) that haven’t because of medical problem. This of course serves to act as a big slap in the face, and can (and usually does) open some painful emotions in people struggling to have a child, when these reproductive nazis…er… well intended individuals, come along and decide to poke their noses in and demanding answers.
Lately, the new question has come up about when are we going to have another child (now with the extra bonus of them reminding me that I am not getting any younger). The incredulous looks and shocked to downright snarky replies we get when we say we are done with one is a sight to behold. You would think that I had just put an end to the chances of the human race’s chance of survival. Then they begin the prodding, because they all need to know the “real” reason. Is it physical problems? Is there something wrong with LatteGirl that makes of afraid of another child? Is it money? (because apparently when you have enough kids, you can live on love) Wouldn’t it be easier to have more if TheWife didn’t work? (That one of course is insulting on assorted levels and goes into other issues I am not going to touch now) They just cannot accept that this was the choice we made. I had somewhat jokingly come up with the response of “We can only afford to raise and spoil one properly” just to try and head off the amount of time I would have to deal with their probing questions. But to be honest, I am tired of using it as an answer, because I see no reason that I should feel compelled to answer.
The answer is “Just Because” and I am done with it. LatteGirl is quite well adjusted thank you, and I know plenty of other only children at various stages of life to know that being an only child does not guarantee that they will not know how function in society as you seem to like to claim. While I like to use the term, somewhat loosely “spoiled” she certainly isn’t. She knows and has boundaries, she can play well with others, and is able to wait her turn, and doesn’t expect to always be first, just because that is “what she has always known” without competition from siblings. I don’t question your choice to have more than one child, even if it means going beyond your financial means (well, except for you Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar!! 17 kids? WTF is wrong with you people?) .
While I am busy annoying people today, let us take a side rant here. Why is it that people are against the use of condoms, or birth control because it “messes up” some divine plan, and that if “god” (or your personal choice of term) sees fit to bless you with a child, you should not “interfere” with this plan… but yet these same people seem to have absolutely no problem with fertility clinics and drugs that attempt to help in difficult situations (just to be clear, I do not have a problem with EITHER situation, I just don’t understand why messing with “the plan” is OK when you want to have a child, but not when you don’t). Simiarly confusing to me is why there is nobody protesting, bombing or trying to shame men that go to a place that offers a vasectomy. Doesn’t that mess with “the plan” as well?
What does this little side rant have to do with anything? Well, it really all ties up quite nicely in the end… Stay the hell out of our choices. My wife and I will choose what is best for us. And the only reason I will give from now on is “Just Because!”
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6 Responses to “Just Because… OK?”
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People can be ignorant when you don’t fit into their plan or schedule.
When my wife and I were dating, the question was ‘when’s the wedding?’ After we were married, it was ‘when are you going to have kids?’ When we were expecting our first: ‘boy or girl?’ usually along with ‘what are you going to name the child? So now we have the socially acceptable minimum number of children (two, as you’ve found) hopefully we’re done with the nosy questions.
Don’t be afraid to tell the nosy people it’s none of their business!
It’s nice to see that even couples with children aren’t immune from this crap. Not to say that it’s good for you to be harassed with this crap, but it let’s me know even more absolutely that those people are crazy.
I just re-read your post and I must be overlooking the answer…so when are you having another child?
Oh my goodness! My husband and I waited 9 years (by choice) before having children. You can only imagine all the questions that we had. Someone even made a comment one time about us having infertility problems. While I empathize with people that have infertility problems, that was not the case for us. We really chose not to have any children for that long. We were young and had goals to accomplish first.
I respect your choice to have one child or none, but at the same time I think we need to respect the Duggar’s choice to have 17 children. They seem to be happy, healthy, and blessed. The children aren’t unattended and ignored. I think it’s great that some people can have that many children, provide for them, and still be sane. I certainly couldn’t. It would be like having a classroom full of children all the time. No thanks.
I wouldn’t consider myself “religious”. We are followers of Christ though and we believe in God’s word, the Bible. With that said, I certainly will protect myself from pregnancy. You can’t go 9 years of marriage and not have a baby without it. Most Christians I know do use contraception. There are a minority that say that we should leave it in God’s hands. To me, that’s like saying we should not wear seatbelts in the car. God gave me the sense to know how to protect myself.
As far as the only child thing . . . I’ve been a teacher for quite a while and I can usually pick out an only child in a classroom. It took me a few years of teaching to figure out why some children were so demanding, interrupted a lot, and did not want to wait their turn. At the same time, there are some only children that aren’t like that. I think the key is to just teach your child that the world doesn’t revolve around them, teach them respect others, to wait their turn, and not to give them everything they want.
Thanks for the conversation.
Dude.
What are you thinking?
She could end up like me.
(Um, only child stereotyping above?)
How annoying! Similar comments if you hold off on marriage occur. After nearly a decade of enjoying a committed relationship we wound up marrying just for children. Insurance, legal issues, etc are less of a hassle this way. It’s just easier. Equally annoying, though.