Will work for advise
OK, so I know I am not the only person who has had to face the following situation, so I could really use some advise on dealing with the situation. You see, up until now, I have been “fortunate” in that dealing with the death of a friend or a family member up to this point has been relatively simple.
I have my mother, and my uncle, who when confronted with death have somehow managed to beat it back and lived well beyond even many doctors expectations. And then on the other side, normally when dealing with death it has been a relatively short ride from “fine” to “ill” to “deceased.” While is may sound cruel in some ways (I did call it “fortunate” earlier), the effects on those left behind tend to be less dramatic.
I found out over the weekend that TheWife’s step father was diagnosed with lung cancer. But apparently this was overlooked by both himself and his doctors for so long, that not only is the lung cancer at an advanced stage, it has already metastasized to other parts of his body. (I have a long rant I am working on as to why I believe this happened, but I will save that for another day).
Now of course, is it possible for him to beat the odds? Sure, but with lung cancer, and the fact that it has already spread, it is certainly not looking good at this point, and his prognosis at this point is 6 – 9 months.
My mother-in-law had already arranged a family get together, and plans to keep it, so to me it feels like we are having a wake for the poor guy while he is still alive. To say, I am uncomfortable would be an understatement.
I just don’t know what to do or say with anybody in this situation. TheWife is still in a bit of shock, and trying to “distance herself” right now to keep her wits about her and to be able to start planning ahead. But I don’t know what to say to her. Or to my mother-in-law. I don’t know how much his illness is affecting his outward appearance, so I can’t even decide (thank goodness I have a bit of time to do so) what if anything I should say to LatteGirl. Being at a loss for words is not something I am used to suffering from, but right now, I’m stumped.
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I really don’t know if it’s easier when you at least have some notice that death is imminent. It hurts just as bad as losing someone unexpectedly…
Sorry to hear the news. There’s no good way to feel comfortable with it, you just have to jump in and talk about it if it seems like the right thing to do.
You know, somebody has to be the outlier of the lung cancer stats. Why not him? No one really knows.
It’s a serious “one day at at a time” thing. He’s the same person he was before you found out the news, you just treat him that way.
When you first find out, the natural reaction is to have them dead, eulogized and buried in your head. It’s OK. Eventually, you get through that, and, realize they’re still around for however long they’re supposed to be around.
I’m am gradually learning that whatever happens, happens. Whether or not I spend time worrying about it.
Hope you are doing well, now that you’ve got some good advice
BTW, I tagged you!
That is a tough situation. Busy Mom had some good advice though. Has anyone asked your wife’s step father what he wants to do about the get-together? Just being honest with him about the situation and everyone’s feeling is probably the best way to go.
[...] the end of July we found out that TheWife’s Step father was given six months to live. He requested a family party, to get one more chance to see everybody which we had in August. [...]