I think it is safe to say that divorce is not fun for anyone. I don’t think I am breaking any new ground saying that. And honestly I don’t have any answers on how to make a bad situation better. Of course, it is possible that the situation in which we find ourselves is unique (although I highly doubt it).
Now it is with much begrudging honesty that I admit my Brother-In-Law is a screw up. He has been for a long time, and he shows no signs of change. When his wife finally left him, most thoughts from the family were along the lines of “What took her so long to come to her senses?” and “It is about time.” Brutal but probably true.
What ensued though was not as well anticipated. Thanks to her deep rooted hated from her now ex-husband, and his inability to get his act together, naturally the mother tries to protect the child from any harm. Understandable. Any caring parent would do the same. But in doing so, she has also cut her daughter (I’ll call her Cremora, just to give her a name) off from his entire side of the family. And this both hurts and cuts both ways.
Grandparent’s, aunts, uncles, etc get to see Cremora, maybe once or twice a year, for an hour or so to give her birthday presents, Christmas presents etc. That is it. No invitations to events, no sharing of information except in the discussions that occur during those brief windows of opportunity. No relationship has any sort of ability to grow, on either part.
It has been especially hard on LatteGirl. Cremora and LatteGirl attended the same Pre-School, so they spent a lot of time together. When the brother-in-law split up, he came to live with us for a while (a whole other story that maybe I will go into another day about that debacle), and Cremora was allowed to spend some weekends with him since he was at our house and we were “trusted” (then). The were more like sisters than cousins, and shared a lot. They were very close, and still to this day love each other very much.
As the Brother-In-Law continued his downward spiral, we were eventually forced to ask him to relocate as it was getting to a point of having an adverse effect on our family. That is when the doors slammed shut. I can only guess (as she will not outright admit it) that she has concerns that we would allow her ex-husband to see Cremora, so visits are… well… now “supervised.” The mother and child come over for a play-date once every 2 or 3 months, usually for an hour or two at most, since she is always busy with something. Hey we are all busy at times, I understand that as well as the next person. But if you are so busy, and somebody offers to have your child over for the afternoon so that the children can play and you can go about doing whatever you need to do, then take them up on it.
I understand divorce is messy, and that at times there is “collateral damage” that occurs. But, I’m sorry, I just don’t feel like the kids should have to suffer because of their bad relationship. They really are just little victims of circumstance.
Word on collateral damage. It’s terrible the things that can happen to kids caught in the midst of a divorce.
I am confused and concerned about something, though. Is the ex-wife your wife’s sister or your sister? I guess that doesn’t really matter, but it seems she has a good deal of resentment toward you for taking in her ex-husband and is taking that out on her daughter by not allowing her to play with your daughter. The longer that situation goes unaddressed and unresolved, the wider the rift with grow between your two families until eventually it will affect the little girls as well.
I would advise doing what you can to work out those differences, to assure her (truthfully, I assume) that you will not allow the ex-husband back to your house and back in contact with his daughter.
One thought I just had – is there an abduction risk? Maybe she just doesn’t want to let this little girl out of her sight for that long, and either doesn’t want to admit it to you out of fear or embarrassment, or just doesn’t even realize she’s doing it.
I have some friends in a similar situation – the husband left the family, made some bad mistakes, but is now trying to get a leg back up in the world. He’s being helped by some individuals in our church and hopefully will become a productive member of society again. I hope your ex-BIL gets some assistance and well and turns his own life back around. For his sake and his daughter’s….
As a grown girl of a less-than-amicable divorce, I turned out okay. Shut Up! Okay, so I’m a little twisted…but who isn’t?
That said, I have a unique perspective on the whole ‘collateral damage’ issue. My parents went round-for-round with custody of me and my younger sister: we changed schools every year from elementary school through high school. They weren’t downright nasty to each other in front of us, but even as young as I was, I could sense the tension. Eventually, my parents agreed it was best for the members of our ‘former’ family to be together for holidays. Guess what? We’re STILL doing it that way! There is always hope.
My heart goes out to your niece, Latte Girl and you. Not a fun place to be, I’m certain.
Very cliche…but it’s always the kids that suffer. I really hope things get better somehow. Good luck.
Yea it sucks when parents use their kids against their spouse and/or the rest of the family. No good comes of it and all it does is end up hurting the ppl involved.
That’s so sad. It’s hard enough for a kid growing up…
I agree, it’s often the children who get hurt. The best thing is for the parents to remain friends. Easier said than done. My sister is divorced and has three kids. She gets along very well with her ex and they the kids every other week. Have you talked to your BIL and let him know how much this is hurting the children?
Nice weekend
AD