Picture Perfect Thursday – Passive Aggressive
I consider myself blessed most days. I have a child that does not make a scene (most of the time) when she doesn’t get what she wants. She never behaves badly in public. She is polite, courteous and well mannered. It is a situation some parents only dream of having. However, underneath lies something more sinister. And unfortunately I probably have nobody blame but myself. Oh sure, it is possible that these behaviors would have come along anyway. But if I had not been such a sucker early on, perhaps she wouldn’t have mastered these techniques so quickly, or quite so well.
You see, her I guess you could call them survival instincts have taught her that tantrums never get her what she wants. It was something that TheWife and I stood firmly on from the offset, and it seemed to work out well for us. So, what she has apparently learned is the art of manipulation in a very passive aggressive nature. And worst of all, it is not always the lead it, so I have to watch out for falling into her little trap.
Most times when she doesn’t get what she wants, it starts in phases. The first phase is the semi-pleading stage. This is mild, and sort of a way to test to see if I am really saying “No” or if I am pulling one of those parent types No’s that come from just not wanting to give in to everything. So she will say, “but I really want it.” If this works (and it does on occasion). She is done. If not, it is on to phase 2.
The Negotiator. At this stage, she will see if she can bargain her way into getting her way. “What if I use my own money?” or “Can I have it if I …” This will sometimes also be backed up (for reinforcement) with the “because I really want it” (I presume to show sincerity).
Phase III (Or Phase I for things she already knows the previous methods won’t work on), is the passive aggressive, self-deprecating, pull on Daddy’s heart strings method. Here she give me the pout with her faux understanding and explanation where she will tell me what she wants followed immediately why she “already understands” why I will say no, even before I get the opportunity.
A perfect example of this happened last evening. She dragged her heals and played when I was trying to get her in the tub. She played in the tub, and on several occasions requested the magical “5 minutes more” to play. I relented, warning her each time that she was losing something else that evening (which is ME I guess, teaching her that the Negotiator strategy is a winner). The First time, it was “OK, but no more TV tonight.” The second was, “OK, but no snack-time” and finally it was, “OK, but you are getting out, but then it is right into bed.” Each agreed upon willingly and without question. That is until she finally got out of the tub.
It was then the game began. As she was getting dressed, she gave me the sad face, as she said, “I know I have to go right to bed, because that is what I agreed to. However, I wasn’t hungry then, and now I would like snack. But don’t worry about it, because I know I am not allowed to have one now.” {Big Sigh}
You’d think I was sending the child to bed without her supper. Perhaps she has watched Cinderella one too many times. It is a trick, that I have admittedly have probably subconsciously works many times by automatically giving in to such tricks in the past. “Oh, honey if you are hungry, of course you can have a snack before bed.”
Now I need to train myself to turn it off, to tune it out. Because while it is still mostly small things at this point, I know the day will all too soon be upon me where she is using it for much bigger things.
“Oh Daddy, I would really like to take the car to the mall, but I know it is ….” And I can’t still be weak when I get to that point, now can I. I won’t still be falling for these same little games will I? Or is it my little daughter, and will I cave forever to her passive aggressive will?
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7 Responses to “Picture Perfect Thursday – Passive Aggressive”
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When I buy my next car – she can negotiate for me
I think I have your child’s siblings here at my house…when should I expect you to come for them?
She’ll be a very good wife and mother someday. She’s already got the guilt down pat. HAH!
Stick with it Jay. Don’t give in to those doe eyes, no matter how hard it is.
Oh, you’ll cave forever and love every minute of it.*wink*
Kids are smart…. It’s tough to be firm but it’s a good long term strategy. But when they turn on the charm, it’s tough to resist.
AD
More of your daughter’s siblings are over here in Connecticut!
One look at your daughter’s pic and it reminded me of MY princess here. Oh my. Buy some hair color. I think some (more?) greys are coming…
Nice blog, btw!
xoxo
That’s an absolutely “perfect” photo to go with your story. I think I’m seeing a glimpse into my future. My little girl is only 2, but quickly learning from her older brother’s mistakes that tantrums get you nowhere. She’s much more manipulative and KNOWS already how pull the heartstrings and be irresistable.